No, I didn’t feel that great to start with, dear reader. An acre of horse shit was weighing down on me from the word go. I clocked in at 30 stone, my skin was like a Braille edition of a William S. Burroughs novel, I still wasn’t a virgin again and the cancer that eluded every doctor’s examinations seemed to have spread at last to my brain.
It got worse as I began to make overtures towards the outside world. A glance through the window revealed an icy wonderland that would have looked spiffing on a nice postcard. Oof.
And then I checked out the news.
CAMERON SENDS COMA VICTIM DOWN MINE
EDUCATION FOR POOR IS ‘WASTE OF PUBLIC MONEY’
UNDISCOVERED TRIBE DISCOVERED BY DAILY MAIL REPORTERS
TOP WAG WANKS MYSTERY MAN OFF IN TESCO CAR PARK SHOCKER
... Tell me I’ve paraphrased extravagantly and I shall tell you you’re a liar. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with all this.